A New Year’s Epiphany in El Salvador

Stomach Flu and Writer’s Block

Last sunset of 2023, La Libertad, El Salvador

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Hi friends,

I’m writing to you from the beach area of La Libertad, El Salvador. I spent New Year’s Eve in bed after catching a stomach flu. Perhaps it was that coconut smoothie I had the day before? Nonetheless, I didn’t feel too disappointed because I delight in staying in on New Year’s. Recently, I came across New Year’s Eve being referred to as ‘World Introvert Day’ in

Shaun Usher

’s Substack

Letters of Note

. Check out a compilation of quotes from famous authors who cherish solitude.

We are to have a tiny party here tonight. I hate tiny parties—they force one into constant exertion. - Jane Austen, Letters of Note

Salvadorans truly adore their firecrackers. On New Year’s at midnight, the place I’m staying vibrated with every explosion set off by our neighbours. The construction of the Airbnb isn’t very sturdy. In fact, whenever people walk up the stairs, our apartment shakes. Not to mention, our bathroom door shuts on its own because the foundation slants downwards. Ironically, my niece messaged me, concerned about our safety, having heard about an earthquake in El Salvador from the news. I assured her we were fine and then checked the internet. To my surprise, I had slept through a 4.5 magnitude earthquake. My body didn’t flinch, probably due to both sickness and being desensitized from a shaking building.

I usually spend hours envisioning and sketching out my goals for the upcoming years on a mural-sized vision board, but I didn’t do that this year. There were no coloured markers, glue sticks, or stream of consciousness manifestation journaling. Those years were invigorating and creative, but I’m feeling rather subdued this year. In fact, I stopped writing this newsletter altogether since leaving Costa Rica, despite the incredible experiences and people we’ve met. Every time I consider writing and sharing a story or making a social media post, I feel something pulling me back. I can’t write.

“I mentioned that I was a writer but wasn’t currently writing. He disclosed that he was a surfer but hadn’t surfed in six months.”

We've been searching for a place to live in El Salvador but haven’t had any luck, so we walked into a realtor’s office hoping for some insight into the rental market. The owner, a local Salvadoran man in his mid-30s with brown skin and dreadlocks, exuded surfer vibes with the perfect blend of professionalism. He was helpful and connected us with a couple of his landlord friends. While discussing surfing and its connection to life processes, I mentioned that I was a writer but wasn’t currently writing. He disclosed that he was a surfer but hadn’t surfed in six months.

When I inquired why he wasn’t surfing, he admitted he didn’t know precisely but felt something obstructing his flow towards it and respected that feeling. He won't force himself to surf until he feels the inclination.

“If I push myself to go surf when I don’t really want to, something could happen. I could get injured.” He said.

He lives his life in harmony with the flow of life. He mentioned he still spends time swimming and watching the sunrises but isn’t surfing. Learning to respect the flow of life is something he gained from spending time in the ocean.

It was precisely what I needed to hear because I was starting to worry about this lack of desire to share my writing. Hearing him say he hadn’t surfed in six months and wasn’t troubled by it granted me permission to be okay with where I was in terms of writing. Right now, it seems my mind, soul, and spirit are asking for quiet. It took me a moment to discern whether this was some sort of creative block that I needed to overcome, but I know it’s not... it’s merely a quiet feeling asking me to acknowledge it. Interestingly, here I am writing, though it's more of an internal reflection that I've opted to share.

“It took me a moment to discern whether this was some sort of creative block that I needed to overcome, but I know it’s not... it’s merely a quiet feeling asking me to acknowledge it.”

I’ve often worried when this feeling arises. Previously, this 'quiet' could signal a dip in self-esteem or even an encroaching sense of melancholy. Yet, 'quiet' is a state at odds with our loud, extroverted, living-your-dreams-out-loud social media culture. So, I've been embracing it, granting this persistent feeling the space to express itself. What message does it carry? Is it rooted in fear? Does it spring from a part of me hesitant about sharing my writing? Could it be depression? Perhaps a mid-life crisis at 40? This year has brought considerable changes. How much leeway should I provide it? How long should I allow it to linger? I still have dreams and goals I am eager to pursue and achieve.

“But the quest for a quiet life is really about attention, and how to direct it. It’s about intellectual and emotional energy, and where to expend it.” - Susan Cain, The Quiet Life

What about those essays you want to write, that movie script, that book!? When are you going to get back to acting? What about your hypnotherapy practice? This is the time to go!! Every social media post currently revolves around productivity and achieving goals - and it all feels contrary to my current state.

Do you ever sense that the external world we consume through social media, conversations, and the barrage of expert opinions creates a cacophony of discordant sounds? I crave stillness in a way I haven’t before.

Susan Cain

, the author of the book “Quiet,” brilliantly writes in her Substack newsletter

The Quiet Life with Susan Cain

: “But the quest for a quiet life is really about attention, and how to direct it. It’s about intellectual and emotional energy, and where to expend it.”

So, what I might be experiencing isn’t precisely writer’s block, depression, or any sort of crisis; rather, it feels like a sharpening of focus. Given the year I’ve had, as we've all navigated our unique challenges, I've come to realize I don’t require additional goals to exhaust my energy. My primary aim for this year is to explore greater freedom. Interestingly, the area where I’m staying, 'La Libertad,' translates to freedom, while 'El Salvador' means Our Saviour. Perhaps, in stillness, I’ll discover my salvation.

I’m curious about your focus for the year and whether you're drawn to moments of tranquility or not. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

Happy New Year,

❤️Ashley

P.S. Like, comment, screenshot, and share! Forward it to a friend! You are reading Wannabe Wisdom, Diaries of a Fake Guru by Ashley Evans. I’m on Instagram and Threads.